Recently on the news there’s been different cases of children in close to death encounters, such as the boy who fell in the enclosure of a gorilla at the Cincinnati Zoo. Or those who have gone too soon from this Earth like the Louisiana 3-year-old twins Oliver and Aria Orr who died in a hot pickup truck, and the 2-year-old boy who was dragged by an alligator in Florida and others like them. Darkness has now invaded these families.
Having two boys myself I can only imagine what the parents are going through. At times when tragedy strikes, our thoughts get foggy and we feel that we can’t survive. I haven’t talked about this chapter of my life in previous posts if you’ve been following my blog. Today, I will talk a little about a certain event that has caused grieve and emotional distress.
Even though I have not had a live child outside my womb die, I’ve had four miscarriages. Having these miscarriages have made me realize that no matter the age, gender or race, the death of a child carves a deep hole in your heart. In this post we will be talking about my first miscarriage.
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The Darkness I Went Through
When I found out I was pregnant, there was such joy and happiness in our lives. We were going to be parents!
Then a couple of months later, October 2006 to be exact, we visited the doctor for a checkup and was devastated and heartbroken after not being able to hear the baby’s heartbeat.
Plenty of emotions ran through my head: ANGER, SADNESS, PAIN and even SHOCK. Minutes later, the doctor removed the lifeless “flesh” within me and this just felt wrong! Immediately tears rolled down my cheeks as they showed me what appeared to be my baby’s body and took him away to study. This baby would’ve been our first little gift from God.
Although I never knew the sex of the baby, I would’ve wished they would’ve told me so I can give him a proper name. I just called him Angel. Since he was an angel sent from the Heavens.
At least that’s what I believe.
The Fog and Grieving Battle
Days after having this miscarriage, I found myself not wanting to go back to work, see anyone, talk to anyone or be around anyone. I just wanted to be curled up in bed, asleep and never wake up to this nightmare.
There were even moments when I didn’t even want to be around my husband or even mention anything about the baby. At times I felt angry when I would see him act as if nothing had happened. I wouldn’t see him cry or look sad.
Years later, I asked him why and he replied, “I was trying to be strong for you even though I was sad inside.”
I guess we all grieve in different ways and I didn’t see that at the time which just made me feel even hurtful.
Later, movies that would remind us about this tragedy would cause both of us to sob like babies and just hold each other tight.
I will not dwell too much in what I felt or how this event in our lives took us into a foggy dark cave, but I’m opening up to you to let you know that there are times of darkness that will corner us but at the same time help us grow.
Book Review and Launch Team
Recently, I was part of a book launch with author Laura Diehl’s book, “When Tragedy Strikes: Rebuilding Your Life with Hope and Healing after the Death of Your Child.”
When I read that she was looking for team members for her book launch and reading what the book was about, I immediately signed up. I was searching for answers to my questions that were never answered as my life continued. After receiving a complimentary copy of the book, I instantly opened the book to read. (These are 100% my honest opinions about the book.)
Tears started rolling as I started the first chapter of the book as Laura talks about her daughter Becca, who left this Earth at 28 years of age.
Here is how this chapter begins:
“Three Years ago today, I buried my daughter. The pain of watching my sons…being pallbearers for their sister’s casket is beyond what can be put into words.”
Having the image of the moment my baby’s tiny body was removed from inside my body came to mind and this is where I shed tears. I thought, “I didn’t even give my baby a proper burial or services.”
I didn't even give my baby a proper burial or services. Click To Tweet
They took him as if he was a lab experiment, to test or not, I will never know since I was never notified of any results or explanations.
It is a feeling I don’t want anyone to go through, not even my worst enemy.
This book brought much light to my darkness and as the book’s title states, “rebuilding your life with hope and healing.”
In later chapters, Laura explains a reasoning as to why losing a child is such a devastation to a mother. Here is what she wrote:
“Because she is a part of me, it was within my womb that she received her spirit… I was carrying her spirit within me as I carried her as a fetus! The death of her body and the leaving of her spirit affect me in a way they affect no one else.”
This made me realize that when a mother loses a child, it affects her more than anyone else because there is that connection with her child by spirit and flesh. My baby was growing in my womb and we had that spiritual connection and will no longer be there in flesh but in spirit and ALWAYS in my thoughts and heart.
Oh how these words still resonate with me as I type them up, we were and will always be connected in SPIRIT. There are days that I can go on with my life without feeling sad or depressed and then there are those days that movies, songs or events bring back the memories.
No matter if I feel devastated, I know I must go on for my two boys whom I LOVE dearly and came after this tragic event, which will be a later post or even a book.
If you have lost a child or even a loved one, I highly recommend reading this book. Not just because I was part of this book launch, but because it really opened my eyes especially when certain emotions and feelings that Laura explains in her book, were feelings that I felt too. Her words helped bring light on my darkness and especially HOPE and HEALING.
This book consists of 16 chapters full of revelations and journal entries Laura kept, as well as, bible scriptures that help connect us to God’s Word and promises. Even if you’re not a believer, her words will allow you to understand that no matter how deep we feel in that dark hole, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
P.S. If you have lost a child or a loved one, sometimes it’s better to hear wise words from someone that has gone through a similar event. There are those that will try to help you come out of that fog, but sometimes it’s best hearing it from someone that has gone through the same situation and who will understand what you’re going through. Have you lost a child or loved one? How have you grieved their loss?
Click here to get your copy of “When Tragedy Strikes” which launched July 5th and if you purchase today until Friday, July 8th, you will get 13 FREE books with your purchase. To learn more about Laura and her book, visit GPS Hope: Grieving Parents Sharing Hope‘s Facebook page. To read my Amazon review click here.
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Oh I can;t even imagine. I teared up reading this, of course, and am so sorry for your losses. I just had a baby fourth months ago and it breaks my heart to even think what parents who lose a child might go through.
Aw, thank you! Didn’t mean to make you tear up. Congratulations on your baby!